(Natural News) (SATIRE) It all started with N95 face masks, then Dr. Fauci added his suggestion that people wear protective goggles. According to the latest research, the coronavirus can live inside your ears, so we may soon see Walmart require all customers to wear tampons in their ears to block “the covid.”
Clearly what we need is a whole head solution that blocks the coronavirus from all entry points above your neck: Eyes, nose, mouth and ears.
Our team of scientists has come up with the perfect solution: A whole-head face mask protection system that blocks all facial orifices. Especially engineered for sheeple who live in states run by Democrats, the solution can be easily assembled from any plastic bag — readily found on any beach in America — that closely approximates the volume and thickness of your skull. It does not, however, block anal entry of the coronavirus, so additional protections may be needed in certain Democrat districts where rapy politicians and their wealthy donors are on the loose.
To achieve instant protection using the whole head protection system, fear-infested sheeple need only take a plastic bag and place it over their head. The tighter the fit, the better it keeps out “the corona.”
Don’t worry about not being able to breathe. This is normal with all face masks. If you begin to panic and want to take the plastic bag off your head, just remember that Dr. Fauci needs you to comply. He may, in fact, be willing to hold it over your head until you “acclimate” to the lack of oxygen and submit to the new system “for your protection.”
Remember, Dr. Fauci and CDC officials believe the best way to stop the coronavirus is to make people stop breathing. After all, that’s how ventilators worked, remember? Ventilators, in case you didn’t know, are medical devices that suffocate you to death through the complex use of medical technology that generates huge profits for hospitals.
Beware! Even fake people can be infected with the corona…
Be sure to bring extra plastic bags to public protest events so you can help protect fellow Antifa militants by placing whole-head plastic bags over their heads, too. If they resist, you may achieve improved compliance by holding the bag tightly in place for a few minutes until the resistance ceases, at which point that person is “fully compliant” with covid-19 public safety regulations and can now proceed to collect GOP-approved unemployment bailout money by refusing to apply for a job. Checks are quickly mailed out, even to dead people, as a form of economic “stimulus.”
The whole-head plastic bag mask system is so effective that Harvard scientists plan to announce a nationwide requirement that all climate change scientists wear them. This will likely have little to no impact on the quality of the climate change “research” they produce, by the way.
Soon, Democrat-run cities will be heavily populated by “whole head mask enforcers” who will run around the city, forcing plastic bags over the heads of people who aren’t already wearing them. These “bag enforcers” will also report non-bag-wearers to local police who will proceed to tear gas non-compliant individuals and arrest them, even if it means ignoring a dozen arsonists, looters, rapists and murderers who are carrying out violent crimes right in front of them.
“Hurry! There’s a man who isn’t wearing a bag over his head! GET HIM!”
The DNC has also announced that Joe Biden plans to debate President Trump while wearing a plastic bag over his head, reportedly to improve the clarity of his speech. It probably couldn’t hurt:
Go gather your plastic bags now, as there will likely be a nationwide plastic bag shortage once this idea gets out.
One woman in Walmart has already adopted the new solution and has even figured out how to wear glasses and a hat underneath the whole head plastic bag mask. That’s called American ingenuity!
Note carefully in the photo above that plastic bags can also be used as gloves. Perhaps they can also be used as underwear, but we aren’t asking.
This has been a lame attempt at satire. Don’t actually put a plastic bag over your head. Or come to think of it, if you’re stupid enough to try it, you’re probably already suffering from a lack of oxygen to your brain, so it might not make any difference.