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National Institutes of Health funds search for mysterious 'obesity gremlins' that are secretly making lesbians fat

Lesbian obesity

(NaturalNews) This story is not satire. According to a study funded by the National Institutes of Health and awarded to a Boston hospital for more than $1.5 million, some mysterious phenomenon is covertly making lesbians obese, in apparent violation of the dietary laws of cause and effect.

For now, I'm calling this phenomenon "obesity gremlins," and here's how a NIH-funded study describes this extraordinary mystery:

It is now well-established that women of minority sexual orientation are disproportionately affected by the obesity epidemic, with nearly three-quarters of adult lesbians overweight or obese, compared to half of heterosexual women.

So let me get this straight.

Some lesbians are sitting around minding their own business, when all of a sudden, out of the blue, an "obesity epidemic" strikes them, force-feeding them French Fries (or whatever) until they're obese, and then this mysterious force presumably moves on to some other targeted group, right?

Astonishingly, the NIH is describing how lesbians are being made obese without having any role whatsoever in the process!

Dietary cause and effect was never considered by scientific researchers

Just to clarify how all this language is being parsed, allow me to explain the obvious:

If you are sitting in a city park and are suddenly impacted by, let's say, a golf ball, then you have just been impacted by an outside force completely out of your control. But if you are sitting in front of a Golden Corral buffet, stuffing your face with genetically modified macaroni and cheese grub, then you are not "affected" by an "epidemic." Nope, you made yourself obese by overeating!

Of course, this idea that any individual should be held responsible for their own actions is completely disavowed across both the medical community as well as the pathetic pop culture of victimization that has overtaken American culture. Now, even when people do things to themselves (or make bad decisions leading to results they don't want), it's somehow never their own fault. How could it be?

According to the rigorous scientific thinking at the NIH, some outside force is "affecting" the lesbians and making them obese in some sort of occult way that apparently violates the laws of cause and effect. The obesity epidemic has STRUCK them, didn't you know? It's kind of like being struck by lightning, but it involves a barrage of pizzas and chocolate truffles instead of really bright flashes of light.

Now, I don't have anything in particular against lesbians, mind you. I'm on the record stating that people's sexual orientation is their own private business. In fact, so is their own body weight, and there's nothing wrong with carrying a few extra pounds around if you're happy about who you are (I'm not some sort of slim & fit exercise Nazi). But now, thanks to the NIH, I'm really, really worried that obesity gremlins are able to somehow sniff out sexual orientation among crowds and they're using that knowledge to target the lesbians!

That seems homophobic to me. Entirely politically incorrect. Damn you, mysterious gremlins!

NIH-funded medical scientists are determined to uncover the cosmic mystery of what might possibly be making people obese

The other thing that really concerns me is how these gremlins are able to make these lesbians obese without involving them at all. The NIH study seems downright mystified as to what might cause lesbians to become obese:

Despite clear evidence from descriptive epidemiologic research that sexual orientation and gender markedly pattern obesity disparities, there is almost no prospective, analytic epidemiologic research into the causes of these disparities.

NO RESEARCH? What are we to do? Fortunately, the federal government is determined to get to the bottom of this great cosmic mystery:

It will be impossible to develop evidence-based preventive interventions unless we first answer basic questions about causal pathways, as we plan to do.

Whew! Thank goodness the search for those lesbian-targeting obesity gremlins has now begun! With a few billion dollars in funding, we might finally be able to get to the bottom of this and nail down whatever mysterious causes might be causing lesbians to gain weight.

Rigorous science to the rescue!

Oh, and just to make sure you fully realize this study is all "sciencey and s##t" here's the full explanation of how they're going to figure this out:

We will rigorously test our innovative gendered biopsychosocial model to explain sexual orientation disparities in obesity with prospective, repeated measures survey data and biological data from three national youth cohorts.

Of course they are! Because the simple explanation that "maybe lesbians are just eating too much crappy food all the time" wouldn't generate millions of dollars in government grant money, would it?

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