According to dozens of pages from Hale’s journal obtained by The Tennessee Star, the killer felt deep hatred for her conservative Christian upbringing and harbored significant anger toward her parents. She also described suffering because she could not get puberty blockers.
Hale, who identified as a male named Aiden, killed three adults and three nine-year-old children before the officers who responded to the massacre killed her to put an end to the violence. She wrote multiple entries in her journal with the header “My Imaginary Penis” and described how she wished she possessed male anatomy so she could have sex with women.
“My penis exists in my head. I swear to god I'm a male,” the delusional 28-year-old wrote. She also fantasized about what it would be like to have sex as a man by setting up scenes using stuffed animals.
Referring to a “stuffed boy doll” she named Tony, she wrote: “I can pretend to be them [and] do the things boys do [and] experience my boy self as Tony.” She went on to describe simulating intercourse between Tony and other soft toys, taking pictures of the events.
This went down just 16 days before she put on combat gear and brought multiple weapons to her former elementary school.
She also lamented the fact that puberty blockers were not available to her when she was a child, something she feels could have helped her.
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“I’d kill to have those resources,” she wrote, adding that her mother did not approve of her desire to be a man.
She also said being raised as a girl was “torture”.
“I should not be in this body!” she wrote. “Nothing on earth can save me… never ending pain. Religion won’t save.”
In a bizarre rambling, she said: “If God won’t give me a boy body in heaven, then Jesus is a f****t.”
There has been a lot of controversy surrounding the release of her writings, and many people believe that officials were reluctant to release them because they thought it would somehow damage the trans community. However, The Tennessee Star and other publications were part of a lawsuit seeking the release of the writings by authorities. A notebook with her writings was recovered from the vehicle she drove to the school to carry out the murders.
Killer describes excitement ahead of mass shooting
In an entry on the same day as the killings, she wrote: “Today is the day. The day has finally come. I can't believe it's here. Don't know how I was able to get this far but here I am. I'm a little nervous but excited too, been excited for the past two weeks.”
She seemed to take delight in the prospect of killing innocent children, writing: “I'm ready ... I hope my victims aren't.”
“God let my wrath take over my anxiety. It might be 10 minutes tops. It might be 3-7. It's gonna go quick. I hope I have a high death count. Ready to die,” she added. She was shot dead 14 minutes after the shooting began.
Like many mass shooters in recent years, Hale had been taking psych meds. She had been prescribed the anti-anxiety drug Buspirone and the antidepressant Lexapro, among others.
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