ABC News to replace George Stephanopoulos with Lance Armstrong in order to improve network integrity and honesty (satire)

Saturday, May 16, 2015
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger
Tags: George Stephanopoulos, ABC News, Lance Armstrong

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(NaturalNews) (Saturday satire) ABC News has announced that its discredited news anchor George Stephanopoulos -- now exposed as a Clinton crime family operative who secretly funneled money to the Clintons without disclosing it to viewers -- will be replaced as news anchor by Lance Armstrong.

"We need someone with a stronger track record of honest disclosure, someone the public can really trust," said the boss of A.B.C., which stands for "Always Behind Clinton."

Lance Armstrong, globally known as the professional cyclist who doped his way into the winner's circle while publicly proclaiming he never doped, represents the kind of step up in integrity that ABC News seeks to achieve. They tried to hire Brian Williams from NBC News, but he was unavailable because he was personally piloting a military helicopter and dodging RPGs in the Middle East. (He's a professional dodger.)

ABC announces reformed news lineup

"We need to restructure our news organization around high integrity people the public can trust to deliver unbiased, accurate news on world events," says an ABC News announcement. "We believe Lance Armstrong is that perfect spokesperson who reflects the kind of values we hold dear at ABC."

Accordingly, This Week with George Stephanopoulos will be replaced with a new show entitled Last Week with Lance Armstrong, featuring a revolutionary format that repeats all the mainstream media lies you heard last week, repackaged as the same mainstream media lies you'll hear this week.

Another show is being considered, entitled, "How Republicans Are Responsible for This Mess." It's a game show format where contestants are given descriptions of disastrous scenarios and they compete to see who can blame Republicans the quickest. Early topics for the game show include:

The Baltimore riots - How Republicans are responsible for this mess

The Amtrak train wreck in Philadelphia - How Republicans are responsible for this mess

Barack Obama's counterfeit birth certificate - How Republicans are responsible for this mess

Other shows are also being radically re-worked to replace Stephanopoulos with Armstrong. "Good Morning America," currently hosted by George Stephanopoulos, will see Lance Armstrong take the helm with the new name, "Good Morning, You Dumb-Assed Viewers Who Will Believe Anything We Say."

The new show plans to feature Bill Clinton challenging Lance Armstrong to a game of Truth or Dare. (Mostly, they're going with "dare.") A transcript from the taping of the show has already been released:

Armstrong: Mr. Clinton, did you ever have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky?

Clinton: I chose "dare." Ha ha ha.

Armstrong: Okay then, I dare you to answer the question, did you ever have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky?

Clinton: If I did, I don't remember, and I didn't inhale.

Competing with MSNBC to see who can lose viewers more quickly

Above all, ABC, NBC and MSNBC are all in a race to find out which fake news network can lose viewers the quickest.

So far, MSNBC is in the lead by featuring the slobber-spewing hate group "Southern Poverty Law Center" which specializes in reverse-racism hate speech while claiming to oppose hate speech. Appearances by hate-spewing dunce-masters like Mark Potok from the SPLC -- a miserable man-shaped worm who despises patriots and real Americans -- have driven MSNBC to a 10-year low in viewership ratings, now averaging a miserable 49K average viewers during the day. For the record, this is a fraction of the viewership of NaturalNews.com and other Independent Media news outlets, each of which reach many millions of unique viewers each month. (Alex Jones all by himself, love him or hate him, reaches about 20 times the viewership of MSNBC every day...)

NBC News wasn't far behind, thanks to the creative shenanigans of Brian Williams, who last tweeted that he was personally climbing the Empire State Building like a giant ape, swatting at World War I-era biplanes and saving damsels in distress.

ABC is contemplating re-hiring Stephanopoulos to play a role in a Sesame Street-inspired news show called "George and Snuffleupagus Invent the News," which features the beloved Snuffleupagus character alongside Elmo getting injected with autism-inducing vaccines by the Surgeon General.



Look! Here are two mindless corporate puppets on the screen at the same time!

Al Sharpton keeping MSNBC in the lead for losing viewers

Who will win the competition to reach an audience of ZERO first? It's a dynamic race, but MSNBC has Al Sharpton keeping them in the lead, while NBC News is threatening to bring back Brian Williams in a revolutionary show format called, "News Whoppers," sponsored by Burger King.

Where are all the viewers going when they leave the totally fake mainstream media? To the Independent Media, of course, where real people report real news after engaging in real thinking (and without reading scripted teleprompters).

See: 10 Questions ABC News and George Stephanopoulos Must Answer About His Hidden $75,000 Clinton Foundation Donation