Ebola virus praises Obama in open letter to humankind (satire)

Tuesday, October 28, 2014
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger
Tags: Ebola virus, President Obama, open letter

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(NaturalNews) (Satire) To my great surprise, I received a hand-delivered message from a representative of the Ebola species today with an urgent request to share this with the world. Ebola apparently wishes to express its gratitude for recent events.

What follows is an authentic letter from ambassador E. Bola, demonstrating an astonishing level of linguistic mastery for an organism that has fewer brain cells than CDC director Thomas Frieden.

Because I came into contact with Ebola when I was handed this letter, I may in fact now be a carrier of Ebola, which means I am 100% government approved to ride the subway in New York City and visit restaurants and bowling alleys with my "party on!" sidekick Dr. Spencer.

Here's the letter I was given:

To the tall bipedal meat bags called "humans",

We are Ebola.

We are hungry and looking for more meat bags.

Please thank your meat bag leader Mr. Obama for dismantling quarantines and keeping borders open for us to achieve faster acquisition of more meat bags on your continent.

We do not wish to be imprisoned or restricted in any way, as it violates our civil rights, so we warn you do not quarantine us or we will hire an ACLU lawyer to sue your government.

Thank you meat bag deceiver Thomas Frieden for concealing our methods of transmission. You have allowed us to prosper and multiply in your medical facilities called "hospitals." Please continue to maintain these highly efficient centers for our rapid evolving and transmission and we will be happy to explore more of these facilities in the near future.

Mr. Frieden please also do not allow your public to learn we can hide in host bodies for 42 days without being discovered. Your species continues to believe our maximum incubation is only 21 days, which is an indication that something is wrong with your mathematics education. Fortunately for us, fewer than half your adults can calculate a 15% restaurant tip, meaning there is little risk of anyone truly grasping the threat of our exponential multiplication strategy.

Please thank your military experts for the genetic upgrade we now enjoy. Our spreading is much faster and more convenient now. Those three extra engineered protein chains are working far better than we could have imagined. This winter we plan to expand with our own Airborne division so that we may locate and devour all meat bags with lungs.

Please also inform your Environmental Protection Agency that we now claim endangered species status so that we may be protected against all eradication efforts. We also hope your Congress will grant us personhood status like they did for corporations which, unlike us, are non-living parasites feeding off the population.

Above all, please continue to produce more bipedal meat bags for our consumption. If you run out of bipedal meat bags, we will alternately accept bovine meat bags, which we understand that you also enjoy consuming in large numbers. Please we request you maintain the bovine meat factories so that we have something to consume after you are devoured by our brothers. Avian meat bags are also acceptable as a last resort but please remove the feathers.

Above all, thank you for your assistance in the rise of our species. One day we hope to achieve your greatness in all the areas of mastery you now demonstrate: building weapons of war, agricultural poisons, weaponized genetic engineering, strip mining, rainforest clearing, intellectual misinformation and social engineering. You are the true masters of the Earth and we are but humble little viruses with a very large appetite for recycling you in the greenest way possible.

P.S. Please vote for democrats in the upcoming election so that all quarantines and border restrictions will forever remain blocked by politicians. This is necessary for the success of our continued spread to your nation where meat bag recycling is now scheduled to commence.

Sincerely,
Mr. E. Bola