Homeland Security declares war on flesh-eating bacteria, a bigger threat than Al-Qaeda terrorists (satire)

Sunday, May 27, 2012 by: Ethan A. Huff, staff writer
Tags: flesh-eating bacteria, terrorism, homeland security

(NaturalNews) A former Florida resident who now lives in Peru recently filed a lawsuit against a doctor whose negligence, he says, resulted in his penis being completely eaten by flesh-eating bacteria. In a bizarre case of bacterial terrorism, 65-year-old Enrique Milla says Dr. Laurentiu Boeru, the anesthesiologist who cleared him for penile implant surgery, failed to properly identify Milla's diabetes before approving the procedure, which resulted in Milla's private parts developing irreversible gangrene.

Milla's infection, which reportedly turned gangrenous nine days after his surgery, became so severe that the man's penis literally had to be amputated, leaving him in worse shape than before his surgery when erectile dysfunction was his only concern. Because of his loss, Milla and his wife have filed lawsuits against both Milla's urologist and Dr. Boeru, the latter from which they are seeking "tens of millions of dollars" in compensation.

In a similar incident, 43-year-old Katy Hayes, a mother of three, is now a quadruple amputee as a result of becoming infected by flesh-eating bacteria while giving birth to one of her daughters back in 2010. Both of Hayes' arms and both of her legs eventually had to be amputated in order to save her life, and her family is now trying to raise $200,000 to cover both her medical expenses and the costs associated with the double-arm transplant she is planning to receive later this summer.

Homeland Security declares war on flesh-eating bacteria

Concerned about the growing problem of bacterial terrorism both here and abroad, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has announced that it will now shift its focus from Al-Qaeda and those pesky, gun-toting American patriots, to flesh-devouring "superbugs." According to DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano, Americans need to be primarily on the lookout for flesh-eating bacteria, and if they spot them, to report their location immediately to DHS.

An updated DHS announcement about flesh-eating bacteria is reportedly now being aired at Walmart stores throughout the U.S. as well, warning shoppers to be wary of bacterial terrorists that might be lurking throughout the store. Sec. Napolitano can also be seen in this video announcement urging shoppers to keep a close eye on other shoppers, as well as on their friends, family, and neighbors, who might be harboring flesh-eating bacteria in their vehicles or homes.

According to the federal government, the biggest threat now facing Americans is the potential for flesh-eating bacteria to invade commercial airliners. To address this critical threat to national security, the U.S. Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has decided to replace airport naked body scanners with full-body swab tests that detect the presence of flesh-eating bacteria on skin and clothing.

TSA will now require that each traveler fully strip off his or her clothes, and stand in an upright position as TSA screeners wipe a damp cloth up and down the traveler's body. In order to respect travelers' privacy rights, TSA screeners will be required to rub the cloth with the back of their hand, rather than their fingers, when moving over travelers' private areas.

The cloth, as well as travelers' clothes, are then to be inserted into a revolutionary flesh-eating bacteria detection machine, while travelers move through the second step of screening which involves the probing of their bodily orifices by a second TSA screener for hidden flesh-eating bacteria, explosives, and other weapons of terrorism. The entire process is absolutely necessary, say authorities, to protect Americans and ensure their safety and security while flying.

"We are always looking for new technology and procedures that will both enhance security while strengthening privacy protections," said TSA Administrator John Pistole during a recent interview. "Swabbing air travelers' naked bodies and probing their rectums for flesh-eating bacteria will provide TSA with the latest and most advanced tools it needs to ensure that America remains protected against the continuous threat of terrorism."

The U.S. Congress also recently passed S. 4278, the Banning All Coliforms That Even Remotely Infect Act (BACTERIA), which outlaws flesh-eating bacteria and other bacterial contaminants surmised of eating flesh, from legally occupying U.S. soil. Any American suspected of harboring flesh-eating bacteria will be subject to interrogation or arrest without a warrant or probable cause under the new bill, which lawmakers say will preserve freedom and liberty for all Americans.

"Bacterial terrorism simply can't be ignored in a post-9/11 world," said Nevada Senator Harry Reid, who is also cosponsoring an amendment to the PATRIOT Act that would provision warrantless vehicle checkpoints on U.S. interstates for the purpose of capturing flesh-eating bacterial strains, and immediately treating them with FDA-approved antibiotics. "Today, we take an essential step in defeating bacterial terrorism, while protecting the constitutional rights of all Americans."

Sources for this article include:

http://www.courthousenews.com/2012/05/22/46702.htm

http://www.dailymail.co.uk

http://tv.naturalnews.com/v.asp?v=5A4B5D4B84344D5D9CBD262A53D8B071