East Coast earthquake rocks nation's capitol, halting dollar printing presses (satire)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011 by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger Editor of NaturalNews.com (See all articles...) Tags: East Coast, earthquake, health news

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(NaturalNews) A 5.9-strong earthquake rocked the East Coast today, with aftershocks felt from New York to Florida. Official buildings throughout Washington D.C. were evacuated, emptying the nation's capitol of bureaucrats and causing a momentary but notable economic stimulus to be felt across the nation, dwarfing the aftershocks of the quake itself.

Some damage was reported, however. A woman in Virginia screamed and called 911 when her outdoor flower vase fell and shattered on her back porch. President Obama took a break from his golf game to promise he would declare a national emergency and cut her a bailout check, as her decorative vase was declared "too big to fall."

In the halls of Congress, a Senator's desk overturned while he was sitting at it, revealing an intern.

At the Federal Reserve, the massive printing presses that churn out an endless stream of bailout money shuddered to a halt, causing a pause in food inflation but panicking bailout recipients who are now completely dependent on government money for their existence. Meanwhile at the Pentagon, internal emails revealed a flurry of questions asking for any intelligence on whether the earthquake was an "act of terrorism" and if so, could Mother Nature be arrested under the Patriot Act and held in Guantanamo Bay?

Some buildings were damaged in the quake. The White House was found to be leaning to the left, and the U.S. Treasury was discovered to be leaning on China. Thanks to aftershock ripple waves, the statue of Thomas Jefferson rumbled and thumped its way across the floor of the Jefferson Memorial as D.C. park police tried to arrest it for "illegal dancing" but were summarily trampled by twelve tons of granite. They are the only known fatalities of the earthquake so far, and will not be missed.

Right after the quake settled down, millions of Maryland and Virginia residents all looked at each other and wondered, "Why didn't we ever buy an emergency water filter?" The entire population, it turns out, was ill-prepared in terms of stored food, emergency lighting and community defense, prompting the gang bangers in the area to join hands and pray for an even larger earthquake so they could begin looting like the recent youth riots in London.

The USDA building suffered some minor damage during the quake, collapsing the agency's GMO division and causing a setback to Monsanto which was counting on the USDA to keep pushing its patented genetically engineered seeds.

The real shockwaves of the day, however, were felt economically as runaway debt spending under the Obama administration racked up $3 million per minute, meaning the three-minute earthquake cost the nation $9 million in clock time, not even counting any actual damage. Under Obama's leadership, the national debt has increased by $4 trillion (http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20095...) -- a number that should measure 9.0 on the Richter scale of runaway debt, if anyone were actually paying attention.

The mainstream media, meanwhile, blamed the entire earthquake on Ron Paul, who it proclaimed "cannot win the Presidency" but somehow has mutant superhero powers that allow him to control the Earth's tectonic plates. Ron "Richter" Paul later stated he would use his newfound powers to shift Washington D.C. into the Atlantic ocean, turning it into a small island nation that could drive itself into ruin while the rest of the United States disconnects from Washington and experiences economic freedom and prosperity.

Next, Ron Paul promises he will cause a tidal wave of public support to wash over the nation and reclaim liberty from the tyrants currently running the country. The status quo political establishment, of course, will characterize it as a "national disaster" and try to convince the American people they would be much better off remaining enslaved to a dictatorial nanny state that rules over them by decree.

But the People, having now witnessed the devastating aftershocks of Obamanomics -- and its Washington D.C. epicenter -- may have already wised up and prepared themselves to embrace real freedom in America.