FDA announces suspension of English language (humor)

Friday, October 19, 2007 by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger Editor of NaturalNews.com (See all articles...) Tags: the FDA, health news, Natural News

The FDA's Ministry of Language today announced that the English language has been suspended. From now on, all words will only mean what the FDA declares they should mean. The word, "Pasteurization," for example, will now mean any process used to kill microorganisms, including irradiation, spraying toxic chemicals and launching foods into the dark vacuum of space where they explode like Gallagher's watermelons.

Please disregard all previous definitions of words. They no longer apply in the world of FDA newspeak.

Tomorrow, the FDA could announce that "pasteurization" will suddenly mean jumping up and down barefoot on fresh produce with your tongue stuck frozen to a chilled flagpole, in which case all the food companies in the United States would suddenly have to comply. But for today, pasteurization has been announced by the FDA to mean the bombarding of food matter with high energy radiation. If this all seems rather extraneous, that's because it is. Pasteurization could just as easily be declared next week to be the soaking of fresh produce in moose drool.

Again, please disregard the definitions of all words in the English language. Words are meaningless now in the food and drug industries. They only mean what their promoters want them to mean.

Please note that all definitions are subject to change at any time, including the word "definition," which the FDA has threatened to change to mean, "the act of kissing one's own ass," which means that asking anyone for the definition of any word would be tantamount to a proposition bordering on sexual harassment. It is through this tactic that the FDA will stop cold the act of anyone asking for definitions of words.

Please disregard the word "organic"

The USDA has joined with the FDA in its effort to suspend the English language and has announced that the word "organic" will no longer mean anything associated with what most people think of when they formerly used the word organic. Instead, it will mean any food product that was manufactured with the intention of selling it to organic consumers, regardless of whether or not the product itself was farmed and harvested using methods previously known as "organic." Thus, "organic" is now simply an on-package marketing gimmick, sort of like, "Now, 30% more FREE! And organic!"

The Almond Board of California has also joined the effort to suspend the English language. They are starting with the word, "raw," which the Almond Board insists should now mean heating almonds to a high temperature for a duration sufficient to kill virtually all microorganisms that might be hitching a ride on the almonds. This concept was formally known to rational people as "pasteurization," but will now be called "raw" according to USDA regulations.

If you connect the dots on all this, you come to the startling realization that irradiated, chemically treated nuts grown with pesticides will soon be labeled raw, organic nuts.

Why? Because raw = pasteurized and pasteurized = irradiated. Thus, raw = irradiated. Plus, conventionally grown = organic.

If this equation is a bit hard to follow, just follow this simple pattern found in an actual FDA press release:

Toxic products x Gullible consumers = Corporate profits

Welcome to the world of FDA newspeak. All dictionaries will now, by law, carry black box warnings telling readers not to trust what they read in those dictionaries. The FDA is the final authority over all language and will likely even change its name to the FDLA (the Food, Drug and Language Administration).

Please note these new definitions

Consumers are warned to avoid using all words until they know their new definitions, which have been announced by the FDA as follows:

"HEALTH" shall mean death, as in "Health care" (death care).

"EDUCATION" shall mean propaganda, as in, "These TV ads sure are educating those patients about the benefits of prescription drugs!"

"CONFLICTS OF INTEREST" shall be banned from the English language entirely, since there is no such thing as any conflict of interest at the FDA or anywhere in medicine.

"SAFE" shall mean any drug that makes at least a billion dollars in profit while killing less than a hundred thousand Americans each year.

"SCIENTIFIC" shall mean any opinion statement or fraudulent statistical distortion that supports the definition of "safe," above.

"PROVEN" shall mean any finding that is supported by a majority vote of corrupt FDA decision makers.

"SCREENING" shall mean any patient recruitment method designed to ensnare the public into medically unjustified or harmful treatments designed to maximize the profits or doctors, hospitals and drug companies.

"DISEASE" shall mean any observable symptoms, real or imagined, that can be expressed as a number requiring chemical modification. High cholesterol (a number), for example, will be called a disease named, coincidentally, High Cholesterol.

"BREAST CANCER SURVIVOR" shall mean any woman who isn't immediately killed by the chemotherapy.

"GENETICALLY ENGINEERED" shall be banned from the English language, as the phrase only misleads consumers. From now on, "genetically engineered" shall be replaced with the word, "organic."

Additional language rules

According go these new FDA rules, nutritional supplement companies are hereby banned from using verbs. This is to prevent them from making unsubstantiated claims that involve worlds like, "prevents" or "cures." All supplement companies shall be restricted to using only nouns, pronouns, adverbs and adjectives. Acceptable website copy for a nutritional supplement company may look similar to these statements:

"Consumer multivitamin upwards dosage minimum requirement*"

"Healthness vitamin capsule you taking daily allowance*"

* This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.

Please note that failing to adopt these new definitions is punishable as a federal crime. Any citizen who singles out traitors refusing to adopt this new language will be rewarded with free Prozac and raw, organic almonds. Those who expose ten or more traitors will receive a free six month supply of soylent green.

Dissent will not be tolerated. Ignorance is strength. War is peace. Save America. Defend freedom. Take more pharmaceuticals. Pass it on.