Health news from a parallel universe (satire)

Friday, August 24, 2007 by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger Editor of NaturalNews.com (See all articles...) Tags: health news, health news, Natural News

Today I'm bringing you something extra special: Health news from an alternate universe! In this alternate universe, logic is reversed, good is bad, and trees grow with their branches stuck in the dirt and their roots stretched high into the air. In this alternate universe -- which we'll call "Allopathia" -- there's lots of health news printed every day just like in our own universe. The difference is that their health news makes no sense.

Want to see a taste of it? Here are some of the health headlines that appeared earlier this week in the twisted universe of Allopathia:

Antioxidants will kill you

All this week, the news outlets in Allopathia were reporting that antioxidants greatly increased the rate of skin cancer. Nutrition, it seems, actually causes cancer in Allopathia, and the only way for people living in that alternate universe to protect themselves from skin cancer is to coat themselves with synthetic chemicals that, in our universe, actually cause cancer! But in Allopathia, those chemicals are apparently inert.

FDA to regulate sunscreen

The universe of Allopathia, being a parallel universe to our own, has it's own version of the Food and Drug Administration. And just yesterday, their FDA announced they would regulate sunscreen -- a product that is neither a food nor a drug. And get this: They're going to give higher (better) ratings to sunscreen products that cause the greatest vitamin D deficiency to their citizens! Apparently, in the univers of Allopathia, the products that cause the most harm to the people receive the highest ratings from government regulatory agencies. Thank goodness our own FDA would never resort to such silliness.

Gastric bypass surgery is good for you!

The Allopathia press is also reporting this week that gastric bypass surgery is really good for you! The more people who undergo the barbaric procedure, we're told, the healthier the population will be. Removing huge sections of a person's digestive organs is, we're told, a great way to reduce their risk of heart disease. Apparently, it's even better than teaching people how to be healthy in their food and dietary choices. In Allopathia, surgery triumphs yet again!

Raw foods are not raw, they're pasteurized!

The Allopathia version of the USDA (U.S. Department of Agriculture) has announced that foods labeled as "raw" may now be pasteurized (i.e. "cooked" long enough to kill anything living). This is one of the many ways in which the Allopathia universe is twisted and upside-down: Raw is cooked, cooked is raw, genetically modified is safe, and wild foods and herbs are dangerous. Of course, in our own universe, we're not so stupid as to think that cooked = raw, but apparently, in Allopathia, this idea doesn't seem strange at all. (I wonder if they also subscribe to the ridiculous idea that war = peace…?)

More antipsychotics for children, coming right up

Although we would never do such a silly thing in our own universe, FDA officials in Allopathia recently approved yet more psychotropic drugs for children. Yes, it's true: Children in Allopathia all suffer from underdiagnosed pharmaceutical deficiencies, requiring them to be treated with yet more chemical in order to "balance" their brain chemistry. The latest chemical, known as Risperdal, belongs to a class of mind-altering drugs that may also cause rapid weight gain. With its use now being approved in children as young as 10 years old (and with off-label use on infants as young as six months old), the increase in numbers of chemically-treated, obese angry young males is soon to follow. (Please wear Kevlar body armor in the public schools if you visit Allopathia any time soon…)

Obesity is caused by a virus!

In Allopathia, obesity isn't caused by eating too much, avoiding exercise and consuming lots of processed sugars; it's actually caused by a virus! You read that right: It's a tiny packet of DNA that invades the bodies of Allopathia citizens and magically causes them to gain weight, completely beyond their control. The presence of this virus is a fascinating difference between our two universes, but it helps explain why the rate of obesity among the adult population in Allopathia now exceeds 35%. Let's all hope they can find a vaccine so they can inject everyone and eradicate obesity in one massive, heroic vaccination campaign!

Now for the news in our own universe

As strange as all this news seems, I regret to inform you that I have made a mistake. I just returned from visiting Allopathia, and while I was there, I was actually reading the news from the mainstream press in America, right here in our own universe!

Every news item mentioned here is factual news that has been reported in the mainstream media this past week, right here on planet Earth. Not a single story here is fictional.

This is even more astonishing than the idea that there is an alternate universe named Allopathia! Because, you see, the shocker here is not that things are upside-down and insane in some other fictional place, but rather that things are insane right here, right now!

The mainstream media has lost its marbles. The FDA is irreversibly corrupt, and the USDA remains hopelessly ignorant about the one thing it's supposed to regulate: Food! Ideas that would have been considered downright idiotic a decade ago (like labeling pasteurized foods as "raw") are now openly pushed onto the public. A generation ago, parents would have thought you were nuts if you said their children suffered from "chemical deficiencies" and needed to be treated with patented pharmaceuticals; yet today parents are lining up to have their kids drugged almost as quickly as they're popping "happy pills" themselves.

Even just five years ago, most people essentially understood that nutrition is good for you. Antioxidants and other plant-based nutrients protect your health and prevent disease, right? Not anymore: Twisted science combined with a pro-Pharma agenda and limitless influence on the mainstream media has turned the popular press into a nutrient attack dog, and ominous stories about the extreme dangers of taking vitamins or supplements are now published at regular intervals (just to remind the citizens to keep taking drugs, of course).

The insanity of Allopathia is actually our own. WE live in an alternate universe where logic is reversed, bad is good, nature is dangerous, sunlight will kill you, nutrition is deadly and health is only protected or enhanced by taking more synthetic chemicals.

Wow. If there really is an alternate universe somewhere, and intelligent beings from that place are watching us right now, they probably have an itchy finger on the big red button, and they're asking each other, "Do we let this experiment run a little longer, or have we seen enough?"

If it were not for all the psychologically impactful television ads, authority-driven pronouncements from the FDA and distorted science from smart-sounding (but bought off) researchers, very little of what's going on in medicine today would be considered reasonable at all. And yet somehow, the drug companies, government regulators and mainstream media have accomplished the impossible: They've managed to get most of the population to believe they need chemicals to be healthy and that nutrition will kill them.

Bravo. It's one of the most elaborate (and successful) mind-warps in history.