Health Roundup: TB lawsuits, lycopene bashing and Veggie Booty for infants (satire)

Monday, July 16, 2007 by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger Editor of NaturalNews.com (See all articles...) Tags: health news, Natural News, nutrition

Nine airline passengers have filed a $1.3 million lawsuit against the tuberculosis man who cavorted around the world on a plane even after being told he was infected with a rare strain of TB. I'm not sure who takes the idiot prize on this one: The guy who hopped on a plane after learning he was carrying an infectious disease, or the nine passengers with suppressed immune systems who didn't even get TB but who still blame everyone else for their imagined problems. The only poetic justic in this story is that the TB guy is a personal injury lawyer, so he probably deserves to be named in a frivolous lawsuit.

In a related story, a Little Rock, Arkansas man smashed a hospital window in order to flee the hospital that was detaining him due to his own tuberculosis infection. The 50-year-old man apparently had no health insurance and couldn't afford treatment, so decided to escape to Cuba where he would be provided basic health services at no cost.

Look mommie, a half-naked Viagra bear!

An 11-year-old child recently won a Viagra bear in a game at a Red Robin restaurant in Minneapolis, reports a local TV station. The cuddly bear sported a Viagra T-shirt but no pants. (It was a HALF-NAKED Viagra bear!) The child's parents were so disturbed by the event that they popped some Prozac and warned the child, "Just say no to medication for erectile dysfunction!"

Red Robin restaurants have pulled the Viagra bears from their game machines, replacing them with Prozac Pistols that let children simulate violent school shootings after taking psychotropic medications.

Alzheimer's drugs for Congress

The FDA has approved a new Alzheimer's patch that delivers brain-saving drugs through the skin. The agency was so thrilled by the performance of the drug that they not only approved it, they MANDATED its use on anyone with poor brain function. A massive shipment of the skin patches are now on their way to the U.S. Senate, House of Representatives and the White House where it is hoped that the drug-laced skin patches will either restore normal brain function or remove some politicians from office due to toxic side effects.

Branding patients like cattle, American style!

The American Medical Association has publicly announced its support for the microchipping of patients using tiny RFID transmitters injected under the skin. An AMA spokesperson explained, "The technology will allow us to keep better track of who we've killed," and emphasized that so many patients are now killed by AMA-supported medical procedures that it's becoming difficult to keep the bodies organized. "Thanks to technology, we will soon be able to track patients regardless of whether they've alive or dead," said the spokesperson. "It's all part of our commitment to the best health care system in the world!"

If the RFID tags don't work, U.S. health authorities have announced plans to simply barcode everyone instead. Talks are under way with Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to corral Americans into "barcode camps" as a way to fight terrorism and defend freedom.

FDA discredits tomatoes

Surprise! The FDA has announced a new research finding they claim proves that lycopene is a useless nutrient for preventing prostate cancer. This is on top of the "serious" scientific research undertaken by the agency proving that vitamin E will kill you, that herbs are dangerous to everyone and that human beings are actually made of tiny medication capsules that need to be replenished from time to time.

It's interesting that the more money the FDA takes from drug companies, the more frequent the pronouncements that herbs, foods and nutritional supplements are dangerous for human health. Patented pharmaceuticals, meanwhile, are safe enough to prescribe to infants, the agency claims. What a coincidence that the drug companies only developed synthetic chemicals that happen to be completely safe for human consumption!

Hearing the FDA claim it is engaged in nutritional science is sort of like listening to Philip Morris announce its latest findings on the safety of secondhand smoke. It just strains the limits of all credibility... and yet many doctors swallow the whole thing hook, line and sinker! There's hardly a prescribing M.D. practicing today who hasn't been hoodwinked by FDA pseudoscientific babble when it comes to health and nutrition.

Of, course, medicine has no monopoly on bad science in the U.S. these days. The Bush Administration has practically outlawed science and recently announced a new policy requiring that all scientific papers be personally reviewed by President Bush himself. From now on, only those papers receiving gold star happy face stickers will be allowed to be published in scientific journals. Watch for exciting upcoming topics like "Why sewage runs downhill" and "1001 new uses for oil."

What censorship?

Speaking of outstanding science, a White House spokesperson today said the Bush Administration has never forced former Surgeon Generals to censor their speeches or scientific conclusions, except for requiring that they avoid talking about same-sex couples, stem cells, secondhand smoke, emergency contraception or anything involving climate change. Surgeon Generals were also required to repeat the phrase, "Bush is King" at least three times in every speech.

Salmonella for ya, Aaarrrr!

Salmonella contamination was recently found in Veggie Booty snacks. For clarification, Veggie Booty does not mean the rear end of a vegetarian, and the fact that it's contaminated does not mean "there's too much junk in that trunk" as a popular hip hop song claims. It only means that Veggie Booty's manufacturer, a company called Robert's American Gourmet Foods, Inc., has been getting a little too lax with the kitchen critter policy and a little too zany with their product names, which also include "Pirate's Booty" (are they serious?) and "Zen Popcorn" (who can relax with all that crunching going on, anyway?).

The salmonella outbreak, it turns out, is primarily hitting infants under three years old, which brings to mind the most important question of this health roundup: Which idiot parents are feeding Veggie Booty to their two-year-old infants anyway? Such parents should be punished by making them walk the plank.