CounterThoughts: Water on airplanes, drive-through Rx and doctor appointments (satire)

Thursday, September 14, 2006 by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger Editor of NaturalNews.com (See all articles...) Tags: CounterThoughts, health news, Natural News

What are CounterThoughts? They're the commonsense questions you ask yourself when you see something in the world that just doesn't make any sense. They're a glitch in the Matrix. You know, like when you see a sign on the road that says, "Men at Work" but they're all just standing around definitely not working.

Here's a collection of current CounterThoughts from yours truly.

Is it really food?

Why does cheese food have to use the word "food" in its name? Is the substance so far removed from food that it has to declare its own food-ness or we might mistake it for a canister of fix-a-flat tire repair?

Can you think of any other genuine food product that needs to use the word "food" in its name? We don't run around saying we're going to buy "broccoli food" or "lettuce food." It's just broccoli or lettuce. The fact that it's food is obvious. But apparently not with cheese food. It's neither cheese nor food, and if it didn't have the word "food" on the can, Wal-Mart stock boys wouldn't know whether to put it in the grocery or the automotive section.

The air travel water ban

The TSA has banned all water from airplanes, but if they really enforced the regulation, they shouldn't be letting people on the planes at all. Why? Because the human body is 75% water.

What are they gonna do next, dehydrate all the passengers before they board? The airlines would love the policy, as it would lighten the passenger load and save them millions in fuel costs.

Can you board a plane if you have water in your mouth but haven't swallowed?

I recently smuggled a liter of water onto an airplane. You know how I did it? I took a cue from drug smugglers and just swallowed the stuff before boarding.

The surveillance double standard

Why is HP Chairwoman Patricia Dunn about to be brought up on criminal charges for spying on a dozen corporate board members, but President Bush remains scot free after spying on everybody?

Drive through for drugs

Why are people aghast at the idea of a drive-through liquor store while completely accepting of drive-through Pharmacies? The pharmacy sells far more intoxicating, brain-deadening substances than any liquor store. Drinking and driving is "bad," but drugging and driving seems perfectly acceptable to society.

Where did you get that milk again?

If adult humans are drinking milk meant for baby cows, why aren't we feeding baby cows human breast milk?

The name says it all

If you formed a society interested in promoting rock climbing in America, you might call it the "American Rock Climbing Society." If you created a national club to promote the study of gems and crystals, you'd call it the, "American Gem Society." So what would you call a society that was interested in promoting cancer? The American Cancer Society.

Notice it's not called the American Anti-Cancer Society? 'Nuff said.

The doctor will see you now

Did you ever notice that an appointment with the doctor is really only HALF an appointment? You show up, but the doctor has disappeared into a maze of tiny rooms. You think to yourself, didn't we have an agreement about a time here?

You're making the mistake of thinking the doctor takes your time seriously. It's really not an appointment with the doctor, you see; it was an appointment to have the privilege of signing up to wait in line.

I know of no other business that works so hard to make it inconvenient for customers to buy their services.

Don't worry, we tested it on animals

Why do health authorities urge everyone to use sunscreen on their skin when the very chemicals used in sunscreen products would be a violation of environmental protection laws if dumped into any river?

Getting the public to swallow the fluoride lie

Speaking of dumping chemicals into rivers, why is fluoride -- a chemical byproduct of aluminum processing -- illegal to dump into rivers and streams unless it is first fed to the population via the water supply? If this stuff wasn't dripped into the municipal pipelines, it would have to be disposed of as highly-regulated hazardous waste.

The miracle of plastics

Did you ever wonder why nearly all detox vitamins and nutritional supplements are packaged and sold in plastic bottles that contain toxic chemicals like bisphenol A? When will somebody come up with healthy vitamin bottles?

The WMD gift that keeps on giving

Why is depleted uranium (used on enemy targets by the U.S. military in the Middle East) not considered a Weapon of Mass Destruction (WMD)? Last time I checked my physics manual, radiation did not discriminate between enemy combatants and innocent children. It just sort of irradiates everyone. Which is, of course, the very definition of Weapons of Mass Destruction.

The answer, obviously, is that OUR weapons of mass destruction are not weapons of mass destruction. But THEIR weapons of mass destruction, which we sold them in the first place, ARE weapons of mass destruction. Why? 'Cuz we said so. If the logic is difficult to follow, don't worry. Nobody else can figure it out, either.

Uh yeah, it's a feature!

Remember the awesome features of the bygone VCR? When you stopped watching a movie, ejected the tape and then later inserted the tape and hit play, the VCR miraculously resumed the movie right where you left off!

Too bad today's high-tech DVD players can't resurrect this old-school feature. Then again, modern DVD players also don't have that ultra-frustrating editing feature called, "Eating the tape" (always accompanied by cool crunch-like sound effects).

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