The FDA declares regulatory authority over gravity; bans trampolines and exercise machines (satire)

Friday, May 19, 2006 by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger Editor of NaturalNews.com (See all articles...) Tags: health news, Natural News, nutrition

Today the FDA declared that gravity is a medical device and urged Americans to stop using gravity to treat bone health disorders. Gravity has traditionally been used to promote bone mineral density, for without gravity, bones become weak and fragile (as astronauts quickly discovered). But apparently there hasn't been any hard science conducted on this relationship, so the FDA now considers it "unproven quackery."

"There is no convincing evidence to show that gravity offers any health benefits whatsoever to people," FDA commissioner Dr. Wack Jobs said. "Accordingly, people should stop using gravity to alter their bone health and should, instead, rely on pharmaceuticals that have been rigorously tested and scientifically proven."

Also as part of the FDA's crackdown on gravity, all "bouncing" items such as trampolines, rebounders and exercise balls will be reclassified as medical devices and required to go through $800 million in clinical testing to prove they are safe before being sold to consumers. Even then, they will only be available with a doctor's prescription. To support the crackdown, the FDA warns that hundreds of children have already been harmed by trampolines, and that confiscating them is the only way to protect Americans from "these extremely harmful medical devices."

Armed raids will begin next week on sports stores, wholesale clubs, and retailers selling trampolines. The trampolines confiscated in such raids will reportedly be installed in the offices of FDA bureaucrats, allowing them to more easily bounce around ideas for oppressing the health freedom of everyday people.

Gravity is pure bunk, say skeptics

A few skeptics are questioning whether gravity exists at all. Quack buster Dr. Mallard Duckworth added that people who believe in gravity have a "delusional" belief in some unproven, invisible force that simply does not exist. "There is no such thing as gravity," Dr. Duckworth explained as he slammed a book down on his desk. "This is pure quack science."

Joining the skeptics, Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller fame) and James "the Amazing" Randi offered a small stage illusion that appeared to reproduce the effects of gravity but was actually accomplished with three mirrors, two thin wires, a roll of duct tape and the scrotum of a raccoon. "This illusion proves that gravity is B.S." said Jillette, who is known for his participation in a television show of the same name. "If we can reproduce an illusion of something," Jillette added, "that proves it does not exist."

With gravity now being classified as a medical device, the FDA is closely examining other natural laws to see if there is an opportunity to establish regulatory authority over them as well. "We are looking closely at light," said one FDA official, "as we have seen outrageous health claims related to sunlight. We are actually considering banning the sun next year."

Other natural laws that may soon fall under the rule of the FDA include the laws of thermodynamics, motion and quantum physics. "We regulate everything in nature," explained an FDA bureaucrat. "Especially if it has any effect on human health."

Humans to be resettled to low-gravity planets

In order protect Americans from the risky effects of gravity, federal health officials are now urging Americans to live in outer space or to settle the outer planets where so-called "gravitational effects" are smaller (and presumably less harmful to Americans' health). To make room for this resettlement, U.S. President George Bush has declared all planets in the solar system to be American soil, especially any planets that might contain oil. Americans will soon be selected by a national lottery system and sent to live on Mars, Neptune, and satellites of Saturn, where gravitational effects are apparently very weak and satellite television only has three channels, one of which is the video feed from the Mars rovers.

In preparation for this resettlement plan, NASA is reportedly working hard on figuring out how to launch people into outer space without exploding them.

Scientists punished for "alternative" views on gravity

Speaking of NASA, a few outspoken NASA scientists are now being punished for going public with their own views on gravity. Claiming that gravity both exists and is very healthful for the human skeletal system, one NASA scientist has already been publicly admonished and reassigned to studying mosquito feces. "The voicing of unproven personal opinions about gravity will not be tolerated," explained the head of NASA as he stomped his foot on the ground. "Scientists must learn to confine their ideas to those that are officially recognized."

The FDA's new ban on gravity is expected to be a boon for sales of osteoporosis drugs. As bones get fragile, patients will turn to pharmaceuticals, spending billions of dollars and creating an economic boom, say drug company executives. "This is good for the U.S. economy. It's good for everyone," explained the CEO of ConPfuzer, one of the top manufacturers of drugs for osteoporosis.

In the mean time, anyone caught recommending gravity experiences of any kind (including exercise or roller coaster rides) will be arrested and charged with practicing medicine without a license. If you hear of any such offenses, there is a reward of up to $5,000 for turning in your neighbor. Call 1-800-FDA-COPS to report violations in your neighborhood.