Originally published February 5 2014
Four reasons why people settle for unsatisfying relationships
by Mike Bundrant
(NaturalNews) Ever know anyone who clearly settled for a less than an optimal relationship, or even a painful one?
It happens all the time. Why do we do it?
In fact, in one survey of 6,000 men, 31% of them openly confessed that they would be willing to settle for someone they didn't love. And 21% even claimed they'd partner up with someone they found unattractive. These are they who were willing to admit it.
How many other people are willing to settle, but wouldn't admit it? Even more interestingly, how many people knew they were with the wrong person even as they walked down the aisle? You may even know someone who has done this.
Addressing this question takes us straight down the path toward the deeper issues in life, so let's get to it.
Here are four reasons why some people settle, according to experience and research
1. Fear of being alone
A recently published study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology has found that fear of being single is a major predictor for settling. According to lead author Stephanie Spielmann, people who have strong fears about being single tend to be willing to settle for less in their relationships. This may encourage them to stay in unhappy long-term relationships. They may also date people who do not treat them well.
The study found that both men and women experience fears of being alone and that these feelings create similar tendencies in relationship behavior. This directly contradicts the popular stereotype that only women experience a fear of being single.
The guys are coming out with their fears now, which is probably a good thing in and of itself.
2. Many people simply do not know how to create healthy, happy relationships
Psychotherapist Jake Eagle, co-author of the Dating, Relating and Mating online education program, claims that most people get the dating, relating and mating process all wrong.
According to Eagle, we:
• Don't date enough people before committing to "the one."
• Share intimate information too early in the dating process, often on the first or second date (missing the chance to just have fun together and establish a friendship).
• Have sex too soon.
• Get married first, then attempt to solve the problems in the relationship.
• Don't measure compatibility in terms of values, dreams of the good life, communication styles and chemistry.
• Are often not willing to end a relationship that clearly doesn't work because we are driven by unresolved psychological issues.
When you don't date around much, get involved sexually before you know the character of the other person, get married before you learn to solve problems, then you are primed for pain and failure.
Given that so few people were never taught the rigors of creating a relationship intentionally, many settle because - well - they simply give up trying to figure out how it is all supposed to work.
3. Outside pressure wins the day
• Mom and dad expect you to marry and have their grandchildren. They approve of the person you are with, so....you just do it.
• Mom and dad HATE the person you are with and this appeals to your rebelliousness, so you just do it!
• You need a way to support yourself and your partner makes good money.
• All your friends are getting married and you want to attend the barbecues.
• And so on. Outside pressures often win over reason and your honest feelings.
4. Falling prey to the ubiquity of self-sabotage
Self-sabotage is rarely discussed in relation to choosing a spouse or life partner. Yet, once you really understand self-sabotage, it is impossible to ignore.
It is fair to say that people regularly engage in relationships in which they feel chronically rejected, controlled or deprived of their needs. It is also fair to say (in many cases) that people consistently experience the rejection, control and deprivation before they show up at the altar or get themselves in too deep.
But, why would anyone commit to another person in this case? According to psychiatrist Edmund Bergler, MD, a colleague of Freud's, it is because long ago we developed a familiarity or even subconscious pleasure in these painful experiences. So, we unwittingly seek them out, and find ourselves repeating the same old pattern, experience the same old pain.
The psychological community was shocked when Bergler claimed that at some level we are seeking a familiar pain when making ill-fated decisions, but Freud agreed with Bergler and began to write about psychic masochism prior to his death.
Is it possible that you are unconsciously seeking an old, familiar pain through your romantic relationships? A bad relationship certainly can deliver.
Further reading:
Review the principles of the Dating, Relating and Mating program. Click here.
Learn more about how self-sabotage works and how to stop it by watching this free, educational video. Click here.
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About the author:
Watch the free video The AHA! Process: An End to Self-Sabotage and discover the lost keys to personal transformation and emotional well-being that have been suppressed by mainstream mental health for decades.
The information in this video has been called the missing link in mental health and personal development. In a world full of shallow, quick-fix techniques, second rate psychology and pharmaceutical takeovers, real solutions have become nearly impossible to find. Click here to watch the presentation that will turn your world upside down.
Mike Bundrant is co-founder of the iNLP Center and host of Mental Health Exposed, a Natural News Radio program.
Follow Mike on Facebook for daily personal development tips.
Watch the free video The AHA! Process: An End to Self-Sabotage and discover the lost keys to personal transformation and emotional well-being that have been suppressed by mainstream mental health for decades.
The information in this video has been called the missing link in mental health and personal development. In a world full of shallow, quick-fix techniques, second rate psychology and pharmaceutical takeovers, real solutions have become nearly impossible to find. Click here to watch the presentation that will turn your world upside down.
Mike Bundrant is co-founder of the iNLP Center and host of Mental Health Exposed, a Natural News Radio program.
Follow Mike on Facebook for daily personal development tips.
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