Originally published August 15 2008
Beyond Oil: Unconventional Solutions to the U.S. Energy Crisis (satire)
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, NaturalNews Editor
(NaturalNews) When it comes to the energy problem facing Western civilization today, there's a lot of talk in Washington about doing something. But that's all it is: Talk. Senate talk. Congress talk. Presidential talk. Yabbing, jabbing, jawing poppycock and jibberish... none of it adds up to any useful solutions that would actually end our dependence on oil or embrace revolutionary ideas on renewable energy.
In fact, in observing all this, I've come to the conclusion that the only sure way to generate enough renewable energy to power the Western world is to install wind farms in front of the Senate podium, then focus those giant propellers on the constant stream of hot air spewing forth from the mouths of over-enthusiastic, under-informed politicians who insist on talking about eco-friendly ideas they have no intention of ever voting into law.
This strategy would at least turn the Senate floor into something useful: A hot air renewable energy machine powered by otherwise useless politicians.
Thinking outside the box on renewable energy
There are other valuable for renewable energy, however, such as capturing all the greasy farts of Taco Bell customers and funneling them into a methane bioreactor that generates unlimited electricity. You could install them right next to the drive-through windows at fast food restaurants, so you'd have the drive-through, followed by the fart-through, and as long as people keep eating greasy burritos, it's all renewable!
For other fast food restaurants, when all the frying grease in the kitchen is too contaminated with acrylamides to use for human consumption, even that can be poured into the diesel engines of cop cars, so every time a cop chases some speeder down the highway, it smells like extra crispy KFC.
Of course, let's not forget the idea of taking all the waste paper created by the U.S. tax code and fermenting it with cellulose-cracking microalgae that produce hydrogen gas as a byproduct of eating paper. Using this new technology, every April 15th could produce enough excess paper to power the entire planet three times over. This is also why we must keep the tax code intact, because any "reasonable" reforms would eliminate so much paper that there wouldn't be enough left to digest into fuel! (See, the tax code really does have a silver lining!)
There's also some merit to the idea of harvesting the extra hair oil from all the people who eat cheese and butter and somehow manage to choke down snack foods fried at high temperatures in dirt-cheap corn grease. When all those extra oils aren't clogging their pores and producing runaway facial acne, they could be drained into large barrels, collected by horse-drawn buggies and turned into biodiesel fuel using secret military petrochemical technologies that are currently only limited to the production of baby shampoo.
Real energy solutions are well within our reach
You see, America's energy problem (if you can even call it that) can be solved right now by simple ingenuity. We don't need to fight wars over oil, all we need to do is engage a bit of clever thinking and our energy problems are solved!
For example, instead of trying to prevent illegal aliens from crossing our borders, we could require that they each bring a gallon of gas with them as a cost of entry. And since a lot of them eat at Taco Bell, we also get the farting biofuel benefit from them as well! (Double benefits. Brilliant, huh?)
We could also require all television sets to be bicycle powered, so that couch potatoes who watch a lot of TV have to pedal their way through the Home Shopping Network and other quality programming. These pedals can be wired to generators that turn physical movement into enough electricity to electrify refrigerator door handles, providing a gentle, Taser-like reminder for people to stop eating so often, or shocking them into a coma if they open the door too frequently.
There's also the rather shocking idea of rounding up all the people with silver fillings and forcing them to stroll beside commercial microwave ovens, capturing the electrical arcs shooting across their teeth with lightning harnessing devices resembling Tesla coils. This could turn silver fillings into free energy devices and finally bring to light one possible benefit of filling people's mouths with mercury!
So you see, we really don't have an energy crisis in America today; we only have a lack of imagination. From strapping tiny generators to the thumbs of Xbox addicts, to harnessing melting glaciers to drive paddle-wheel processed food grinders, we have lots of energy solutions at our fingertips! We only have to be open to these simple, but ingenious ideas, like training crows to pull tiny ripcords that generate electricity to light street lights. Or using solar power to heat frozen bank accounts, freeing up new capital for economic abundance! There's no limit to what we can do if we all simply agree to ignore the laws of physics!
And why not? We've already agreed to ignore the laws of economics, and that created a generation of apparent abundance, did it not?
I just hope we solve this energy crisis before we run out of the energy that's keeping the Earth spinning, because if the Earth stops spinning, we'll all fall off the bottom of the planet and find ourselves floating hopelessly towards the sun. More massive people will be pulled by the sun's gravity more quickly, of course, meaning the only folks left near Earth will be the raw food vegans, bulimic teenage girls and whacky scientists trying to extend their lifespan through extreme calorie restriction.
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