When I arrived at the doctor's office, I said, "You know, Doc, the engine's making a lot of noise, the oil light is on and I think maybe it doesn't have any lubricants. It doesn't have any oil." He said, "Oh no, no, no." He took a look at it, listened to it with a stethoscope and he said, "You have engine hyperpingia."
It was a disease I've never heard of before, apparently characterized by a lot of excess noise and friction in the engine. This is some disease that's becoming more and more common. The doctor said, "Mike, the only thing you can do -- we don't know what causes this, we're working on a cure -- but until we know what causes this, you'll have to put this little pill in the gas tank every day, once a day. It�s a noise-softener. So, it will absorb some of the engine noise, and that way you won't have this engine hyperpingia any more."
I said, "Okay, well how much is that going to cost?" And he said, "Oh, it's only $10 or $15 a day." I said, "Oh, gee. That's going to add up over time." He replied, "Well, maybe your auto insurance will pay for it." He wasn't sure. I said, "This pill I'm supposed to put in the gas tank that suppresses the noise; won't this gum up the works? Won't this have some other negative effects on the car?" He said, "No, no, not at all. It's all been approved by the federal regulatory agencies. Tens of thousands of people are using this, it's no problem. We've been assured by the company that makes this that it's perfectly safe."
He took a look at that and said, "Oh, no, no, no. That's not what it is at all. You have electro-degeneration disease in this vehicle." I was blown away, because I had never heard of electro-degeneration disease. EDD is what he called it. Apparently, they don�t have a cure for electro-degeneration disease either. All they have is some stuff that will slow the progression of the electro-degeneration disease. He gave me some more pills to put into the gas tank that were supposed to slow this down a little bit.
I said, "But what about this? Is this safe?" And he said, "Oh yeah, it's perfectly safe, lots of people are using it. It's been clinically proven to slow the progression of EDD. Go ahead and use it, you'll be just fine." I said, "How much is that?" And he said, "It's $25 a day, no big deal. Maybe your car insurance will pay for that too." He also added that I should watch out for side effects of the EDD auto-medication, which could include uncontrolled lane switching and other vehicle behavioral disorders.
By this time, I'm absolutely amazed. I'm learning all this new stuff about cars and automobile health I never knew before. This is getting pretty exciting, right? I decided to tell him about another problem I'm having. I told him that, to save some money, I'd been putting some diesel fuel into the car, and then every once in a while, I'd be driving by the airport and I would just put in some jet fuel because I was able to get it at a volume discount thanks to some friends in that industry. I told him that basically I just put in whatever fuel I had, you know; I might put some kerosene in it, some lamp oil if I have that. Sometimes I just throw in some diesel, sometimes I'll pour rubbing alcohol in the gas tank... just whatever I can find. It's the most economical way, it's more convenient for me to just sort of throw anything in there that I have around. I told my doc, "I'm concerned this is causing some of these engine noise problems and we're getting some performance issues; it refuses to start sometimes. The engine's overheating sometimes, and at other times it just won't do anything; it's like it's exhausted or something."
The doctor replied, "Mike, let me stop you right there. There is no correlation whatsoever between the fuels you put in the car and the performance you get out of the car. That's completely unproven. There's no scientific evidence whatsoever to support that notion at all. Just fill it up three times a week with any fuel you can get. That's all you need to do. Just three balanced fuel fillings a week, you'll be fine."
I felt good knowing that, because I thought that maybe the car had to have a certain kind of fuel, you know, something that would be built for that engine. Something the car, the vehicle, could "metabolize" in the way that it's designed to. It�s a good thing I learned you can put anything in that car you want. So, I decided to just stop by some of these fast-food restaurants and get some grease and put that in the fuel tank. That'll save me some money over the long term. Good thing I ran into this doctor, because I could have spent a fortune trying to fill it with a specific fuel. Now, I can really save some bucks by just filling it with anything I can find.
Lastly, right before I was about to leave, I said to the doctor, "You know, next week I was going to take my car down the road here to a mechanic. He was going to do some preventative maintenance on the car. He was going to go in and clean the engine and replace all the oil, put in some new oil, add lubricant and grease to all the joints and bearings in the car, flush out the transmission fluid and basically just do some prevention." The doctor said, "Don't waste your money doing that. It's a complete waste," he told me. "Those mechanics are just running this big scam, charging people for oil and making them come back and keep taking that oil over and over again. It's just a big scam." I was not aware of that. I guess I'd been falling for that scam all these years, not realizing the answers were right there at the doctor's office; anything my car had wrong with it; I could just go to the doctor and he would give me something to put in the gas tank that would take care of it.
You need to go to your doctor today and get your car diagnosed as soon as possible. Make sure you find out what diseases it really has, early on. It's better to do it early than to wait around. Also, don't be taken in by those alternative car mechanic con shops that claim to be preventing these car diseases. Like they have some "cure" for engine noise, like they have a "cure" for break noise or things like that. There's no such cure, I now know, because I've been told by a doctor. Thankfully, we live in a country that's trying to regulate this a little bit more, because it's a "wild west" out there. I mean, a guy can go set up a car mechanic shop anywhere and can just start selling oil. Can you believe that? It's completely unregulated. Do you know how dangerous engine oil can be?
Fortunately, some of the doctors are getting together with the American Automobile Health Association and some federal regulators, and cracking down on this kind of con-artist activity. Thankfully, for our protection, they're seeking out these companies selling these cons; these so-called "oil changes," and they're cracking down on them, and putting some of them behind bars where, frankly, they belong. You need people who are certified to be working on your car. They need to have a valid degree in automobile health from a recognized school, because otherwise you just don't know whom you can trust. The government is always looking out for our best interests, we know that. Why would they want to hurt the public? They're just looking out for our good, and we should really listen to them so they can protect us from these unscrupulous "car mechanics" or whatever they want to call themselves.
I just wanted to share this with you. I hope you'll tell your friends about this, because this is apparently a nationwide scam. It's happening all over the world. Be sure to spread the world and help people get the right information: They should take their cars to their doctors, get the right diagnosis of the right diseases and get some medications for their cars. Anything else is just wasting your money, believe me.
In fact, I'm so impressed by this, I think next week I'm going to go back to that doctor and ask him about the health of my lawn, because, if he knew about cars, I bet he knows something about lawn care. I have this lawn-care company that's been charging me a fortune just to keep my yard watered. So, I'm going to go to the doctor with my lawn issues next week and I'll report back to you what he tells me.