Originally published August 13 2005
New job opportunities at the Food and Drug Administration (satire)
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, NaturalNews Editor
Need a job? Truth Publishing has just received word on several openings for cushy jobs with the FDA. Why keep working in powerless civilian positions when you can get paid by the government and wield power over others! Here's what the agency is looking for:
Propaganda Officer
No scientific background necessary. As a Propaganda Officer, you will help the FDA invent and dispense information that discredits products, companies and ideas that threaten FDA control over the monopolistic drug industry. Previous experience in a pharmaceutical company preferred. A background in public relations, communications or used car sales is a plus.
Career opportunities abound at the FDA, and it's easy to succeed with this job since the mainstream press will print practically anything you say, regardless of whether it makes any scientific sense, as long as it's on official FDA letterhead. Starting salary: $75,000 plus a license to kill any idea (or health business) you don't like.
Science Censor
Have a scientific background? Put it to good use at the FDA as a respected Science Censor. Your job will be to bury all the scientific findings that harm the prestige and credibility of the FDA. Your main job is making sure all the drugs we've approved continue to be seen as safe, even when clinical studies reveal otherwise.
A variety of high-tech tools will be at your disposal. You'll have direct phone lines to all the medical journals, a team of paralegals to generate legal threats, and you'll even have your own personal shredder right beside the incoming fax machines where doctors fax voluntary drug side effects reports. Help us keep dangerous drugs on the market for as long as possible, and you'll earn big performance bonuses!
Starting salary is $35,000 from the FDA, plus a $250,000 annual bonus paid by various drug companies, based on merit.
Chief Oppression Officer
Ever wanted to carry a gun? Now you can wield power as an FDA employee, conducting armed raids on clinics where dangerous criminals are conducting illicit operations like healing people with prayer or teaching patients about nutrition. You can even raid buses full of senior citizens returning from medication-buying trips in Canada or Mexico! Previous military experience is a plus, ex-Gitmo interrogators preferred. (Duct tape and broomsticks provided upon request.)
No scientific or medical knowledge required, since you don't really need to understand the reasons why you're conducting armed raids. Just follow management's orders, and we'll hand you a gun and a badge, all in the name of protecting the public from the criminals of alternative medicine.
Starting salary is $65,000 plus all the free Prozac you can swallow. (Antidepressant side effects are a plus in your line of work.)
Kickback Coordinator
As the Kickback Coordinator, your job is to keep tabs on FDA managers' investments in pharmaceutical companies. You will maximize investment portfolios, produce reports that identify which drugs the FDA should approve next in order to boost shareholder profits, and serve as a courier for illicit cash exchanges.
There is no starting salary, but you do get a percentage of the kickbacks you manage. Criminal background preferred, mob ties are a plus.
Morale Officer
The FDA's morale has been harmed lately by utterly false accusations from certain FDA whistleblowers. As a Morale Officer, your job will be to keep all FDA employees in line as a way of boosting overall morale and work efficiency. It's good for the economy!
To enforce proper morale among FDA employees, especially those involved in drug safety operations, you will be granted insider access to top-secret FDA technologies currently under development, including our "Graham buster" verbal silencer (patents pending) and a building-wide subliminal program broadcast system. "All profitable drugs are safe... All profitable drugs are safe..."
Salary: $85,000 plus free unlimited cable television.
Canada Basher
Do you share our hatred for those snooty Socialist Canadians? Join the FDA as a full-time Canada basher, and get paid to do what you love best: insult Canada!
As you may know, the free market sales of prescription drugs from Canada threatens the FDA-controlled monopoly market for drugs in the U.S. We need help to discredit Canada so that gullible U.S. consumers will distrust Canadian pharmacies and keeping shelling out their hard-earned cash at overpriced U.S. pharmacies (which we regulate and control, of course).
We already have a few old tricks to assist you in this job, like claiming that terrorists will poison all the drugs in Canada. You will have to come up with other strategies like claiming that Canadian pharmacies have no quality control, unlike U.S. pharmacies where pharmacists never, ever make mistakes.
Salary: $45,000 plus unlimited free drugs from Canada.
Public Safety Program Director
In this role, you will actually work to protect the public from unsafe ingredients in foods, drugs and cosmetics. This is not really a full-time job. In fact, you do not even need to show up.
No experience necessary, in anything. No education required. Starting salary is minimum wage. You must bring your own desk to work, if you want one. That is, if you actually want to work at all.
How to apply
Are you qualified for one or more of these prestigious positions at the FDA? Apply online at the FDA website, and if hired, you could soon wield government-sanctioned power over your fellow citizens. It's a dream job, with outstanding job security. As long as you can help us make sure people never have access to genuine healing therapies, you'll always have a job with us!
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